Reading Mahatma Gandhi's autobiography in my late twenties, I was struck by his humility, this great man esteemed by so many across the world confessing his inner struggles with stubbornness, sensuality, and sometimes, harsh expectations of his wife and family. Instead of decreasing my admiration for this remarkable individual, these confessions given with such frankness and humility only brought him closer to me, not a saint but a human being who, guided by his deep spiritual faith, gave himself wholly over to his ideals and political cause.
Yet I was not prepared to be so accepting of my own faults and errors, which seemed so many and so intractible. Instead, I struggled with self-condemnation for much of my life, as so many of us do.
Recently, and with help from unknown sources, that struggle has ended; I learned to accept myself as I am, faults, errors and all.
It began when, wanting to work on my psychological 'shadows', I earnestly prayed for help to remove or clear out whatever was hindering my spiritual growth. Help came, and for about two weeks, every night when I lay down to sleep, long-forgotten memories of past wrongs would flood my mind, even tiny ones that I had not at that time been aware of.
It was awful, to realise how much pain I had caused to others, and how much pain I still carried inside of me, and I would lie there weeping, deeply ashamed and feeling so unworthy. But I knew that this was a clearing out, a necessary emptying of self of all that baggage, so I did not resist. Instead, I asked for forgiveness from each person whom I had offended or hurt. I asked it from the fullness of my shame, for I finally accepted that I was a deeply flawed human being, often weak and selfish despite all my good intentions.
I had thought myself humbled once before during a four year depression, but this was even more profoundly humbling, for I understood that as low as I was, through the grace of the Holy I was able to be lifted up and embraced with love. How could I not forgive those who had offended or hurt me, I asked, and embrace them as I was being embraced? So I forgave each and every remembered hurt, and sent love to the relevant person.
I tell you this because I learned in those two weeks that to be human is to be flawed, susceptible and weak, so we are not judged for our weakness, and can accept it. What 'saves' us is our earnest desire to grow, to be stronger, more conscious, and to use whatever abilities we have in the service of others. What redeems us is our commitment, how ever often we fail, to see ourselves in others, and to act from love. And that requires from us humility.
Now, I am finally able to accept my faults as I work to overcome them, to humbly ask for and receive divine guidance, and, knowing that we are all seeking our way, some more consciously than others, to lovingly be of service where I can.
Yes, there is so much yet to do. I am far from the en-lightened (transformed into light) person that I would like to be, but one day, in this life or another, I know I will be. I know that I can walk the long and often hard road, for the sense of inner peace that has come from these experiences gives me courage, and it does not falter.
"I do not think people realise how necessary it is to be humble. All the great teachers and all the great prophets of old invariably ... realised this was the secret. .... Only in humbleness and contriteness of heart can one hope to perceive the wisdom that will set one free from the shackles of the mundane and material. This has been proved over and over again. The greatest strength lies in what appears to be weakness."
(Brother Boniface, afterlife communication from the New LeslieFlint Trust at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtE1O-AjFtI).
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