I might confuse you with this post, for I am a woman, and the feminine should be integral to my sense of self, and my life experience. But it has not been.
In my childhood, I identified with male figures - Robin Hood, Indian warriors, male Vikings - and did not relate well to girls. I considered them in general shallow, mean-spirited and intellectually vapid, and the female characters in the myths and fairytales that were so much a part of my life seemed overwhelmingly weak, needy and subservient ... or bossy, domineering and tricky like the sisters in the orphanage where I spent most of my early childhood. I did not trust any of them.
Nor, I must confess, did I trust my mother whom I saw several times a year, who would tell me in frustration at my post -Christmas holiday tantrums that that is why I had to go back to the orphanage... because I was so naughty.
So I preferred men ... even stupid boys who didn't like girl warriors and who sometimes aggressively --- sometimes vulgarly --- reminded me that I was, no matter what, a girl. Experiences with men in my early years showed me that they could not be trusted either, and could be even crueller than girls, in more terrible ways, yet overall, I saw them as stronger, more powerful and often, intellectually superior, the great explorers, warriors, saints, writers and artists of the world.
No surprise then that my inner male, the animus that loved my tomboyishness, developed into the tyrant, usurper of my thoughts and opinions, the inner demon, that he did.
Until very recently I related to myself mainly through animus, which I had thought was my soul speaking to me - telling me what I can't do, what I should be, that I am unloved and unloveable, talentless, generally chipping away at whatever self-confidence I might have, judging myself and those close to me.
Now that a more positive animus is finally emerging, I find myself connected with my femininity, my anima influence. She has been leading me in very different directions, encouraging me to recognise and develop my abilities, to recognise my qualities as well as my faults … and in these past weeks, prodding me into a less judgemental and condemnatory attitude to my father, whom I do not know.
I have always looked on him as something toxic. My inner woman, the anima, however, is urging me through dreams and imaginal experiences to recognise the biological relationship with my father, to feel some compassion to wards him (which is challenging, as he caused much harm), and also, to connect with his-my Polish ancestors. I have always identified exclusively with my Russian heritage, which is also rather complicated.
She is challenging me, this anima, with her powerful Eros-connection energy, not only to recognise my relationship with my father and my Polish ancestors but to honour them for their contribution to my being. This is not easy for me as I grapple with the complexities of identity and releasing old prejudices.
In this work with my ancestors, it helps to remember that their light and dark are also within me, and to allow a relationship with my father (who is long dead, and who I know nothing about) that is not contained by judgements of right or wrong, possibly even to feel compassion for what others might condemn.
This sketch came out of this inner work.
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